


Hold on tight till the morning comes

by 22days



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Captain America - Freeform, Depressed Steve Rogers, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Hurt Steve Rogers, M/M, Pining, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Suicidal Thoughts, mention of suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-19
Updated: 2017-03-19
Packaged: 2018-10-07 21:17:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,196
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10369617
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/22days/pseuds/22days
Summary: He’s standing in the middle of the room. The sunlight is forcing itself in through two grimy windows on the left wall and the noise from outside is audible in the shabby room. By the opposite wall there’s a table covered in newspaper scraps; most of them about The Soldier, the assassin who’s been on the run for the past two years.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! So this is my first work ever and it got seriously depressing real quick. So yeah... Hope you like it^^

> **_May, 2016_ **

 

He’s standing in the middle of the room. The sunlight is forcing itself in through two grimy windows on the left wall and the noise from outside is audible in the shabby room. By the opposite wall there’s a table covered in newspaper scraps; most of them about The Soldier, the assassin who’s been on the run for the past two years.

 

The dusty ceiling lamp flicker above Steve’s head and the floor creak under his weight. Behind him there’s a mattress with ratty blankets and he must have missed him with less than a few hours because the bed looks newly slept in.

 

The paint on the walls has started to flake almost everywhere and in front of him stands a refrigerator with chocolate bars laying on top.

 

But he doesn’t focus on any of this. He’s staring intensely at the photo he found between the pages in the notebook he picked up from under the chocolate bars. The photo can’t be more than a year old, because he remembers that uniform.

 

A younger version of himself is looking back at him with soft eyes and Steve needs to put the picture down since his hands are shaking too much.

 

After he’s calmed down he takes courage to continue to flick through the notebook. Several pages are full of sloppy handwriting and the cracks in Steve’s heart grow bigger and bigger the longer he reads.

 

He reads about Bucky’s daily routines and about the plums he bought down at the market, about how he hasn’t spoken to anyone in weeks and about the look of fear that was cast to him when he got eye contact with someone holding a newspaper. In the end of every page is the same thing written,

 

_My name is James Buchanan Barnes._

 

Steve’s heart breaks.

 

* * *

 

**_September, 2016_ **

 

After another four months of searching he hasn’t come any closer to finding Bucky. Steve knows Sam would help if he asked, but Sam has grandparents in New Orleans and a mother and siblings in Baltimore, and he can’t do that to Sam’s family. He can’t just take him away for god knows how long and leave them to worry about him. Steve, of all people, knows what it’s like to get the only one you could call family taken from you.

 

* * *

 

**_December, 2016_ **

 

Steve finds himself in an alleyway in Brussel. He’d been walking among christmas shoppers when he saw a man with dark hair and broad shoulders and had instinctively followed thinking it might be Bucky. But there had been a lot of people out and the brunette blended perfectly with the crowd.

 

In the confusion that was caused it was easy to lose him, but right before Bucky swerved into an alleyway Steve saw him. When Steve turned the corner he was met by sad brick walls and a dumpster but no Bucky. It took all he had not to let the tears spill.

 

Several days later Steve opens the newspaper to see a blurry picture of The Soldier and a text that tells him that yet another person claims to have seen him.

 

* * *

 

**_June, 2017_ **

 

London is in bloom when Steve’s there five months later. The trees in Victoria Park go in shades of green and the tourists that swarm around him are wearing short sleeves and sunglasses. The shutter sound from cameras are everywhere and he looks down at his feet so that the cap he’s wearing will cover as much of his face as possible.

 

He leads himself out of the park and in between the buildings to find the only familiar place he knows in London.

 

He shouldn’t be surprised when he gets there and sees a modern restaurant in the spot where he was expecting and old rugged bar.

 

Despite the shock he hesitantly walks over the doorstep and sees young people and new tables and chairs. None of it should be there.

 

He sits at the bar, the only thing still in the same place, and orders a whisky. It is, after all, the one he and Bucky used to drink they came here, even if it was only a couple of times during the war.

 

The Howling Commandos had been sent out on another mission to locate and destroy a Hydra base. This one had been pretty easy to find and before rapporting back for duty, Dugan had thought it wood be a good idea to get some spirits in their systems.

 

_London had just been under another German attack and the bar had been in critical condition, but it was almost the only one still open._

 

_The Commandos had trotted in and sat down and started talking. They were in a very heated discussion about something regarding how Dugan bowl hat made his face look weird, when Steve noticed that Bucky wasn’t smiling anymore. He looked tired. Steve hadn’t had a chance to talk to him ever since he got him back and he looked at Bucky and meaningfully looked at the bar. Bucky nodded and they made their way over to a couple of stools. Bucky sighed as he sat down,_

 

_“Thanks for getting me out of there, pal. Those five can be a real bunch of idiots sometimes.” he said with a dry chuckle._

 

_“Yeah, you looked a bit tired.” Steve said._

 

_“Haven’t been sleeping a lot lately” Bucky mumbled, almost too low for Steve to hear him._

 

_“Something on your mind?”_

 

_“It’s nothing.”_

 

_Steve just gave him a sceptical look and held his gaze until Bucky said,_

 

_“I’m fine.”_

 

Steve’s thoughts get interrupted by the bartender putting down his glass in front of him. The stool beside him is now vacant and he can feel a black hole forming in his stomach. It shouldn’t be empty. That’s where Bucky’s supposed to be; talking to him and squeezing his shoulder reassuringly. He’s supposed to be there; laughing at Steve’s shitty jokes and give him warm smiles. Steve should be able to feel Bucky’s constant heat on his right but he doesn’t and it pains him.

 

When Steve leaves the bar it’s already dark outside and the people on the streets have dressed up for a night out. He stands out with his worn jacket and the navy cap on even though the sun set a few hours ago. He focus’ on the cobblestones he’s walking on and puts his hands in the pockets of his jeans. He avoids eye contact and those who pass him by don’t throw him a second glance.

 

Steve continues walking until he sees grass border the pave he’s walking on and finds trees above his head. The leaves stick to his jacket when the wind makes them fall gently to the ground and Steve keeps walking forward. He walks along the protecting walls of the buildings and the warm light coming from inside casts shadows upon his concealed face. The wind is getting stronger now and when he steps out from the safe space between the buildings, it gets so strong that he almost takes his breath away.

 

When the wind has calmed itself down a bit, Steve realizes where he is. In front of him flows the Thames and the light, from the street lights placed along the river, dances in harmony with the water.

 

He wanders along the river with hunched shoulders and his head hanging low. Eventually he comes across Southwark Bridge. By this point there are no cars on the bridge and the city’s people are too busy with their own stuff, so he’s alone.

 

He places himself on the middle of the bridge and looks down into the dark water. It rapids heavier now and the motion makes Steve tired. Tired of searching in the dark, tired of never finding anything useful and tired of being in constant pain. Because that’s how it is, being away from Bucky. Steve looks down into the dark water. He thinks about jumping.

 

* * *

 

**_October, 2017_ **

 

The last time The Soldier was seen in media was almost three months ago. Despite that a lot of people argue that they have seen him. Everyone thinks the Soldier goes to their gym. Reporters and journalists speculate about why he is gone and what he’ll do next.

 

The Soldier is known for a dussin assassinations over the past fifty years and everybody knows who he is, even if no one _knows_ who he is. The few times he’s been captured on tape he’s been wearing military gear all in black and a mask to cover his face.

 

The rumour says that he’s more of a shadow than a man and no one would have known he existed if it wasn’t for the files that were made available online a year ago. Classified SHIELD intelligence got leaked by the Widow for everyone to read.

 

Media were fast to make a story out of The Soldier and spread it to everyone who wanted to listen. Until then The Soldier had been a ghost story, no one believed he existed.

 

* * *

 

**_February, 2018_ **

 

It’s been a bit over a year since Steve last saw Bucky and he stopped looking. The hope of seeing his best friend again is still there even if everyone try to make him see reason. He nods and tries to look convinced, but he doesn’t fool anyone.

 

He stopped looking and stays at his apartment in Brooklyn most days. He knows that if Bucky wants to, he’ll come back to Steve and that’s all the comfort he needs.

 

Life returns to what it used to be, before Steve knew Bucky was still alive, and he has accepted that this is how it might be for a while.

 

Every morning at six sharp Steve leaves the building for a run. He jogs through Prospect Park, past Green-Wood Cemetery and around MCU Park.

 

Sometimes he decides to take it a bit further and jogs over Brooklyn Bridge and runs through Central Park, but that’s only when he’s too restless to do anything else.

 

He has been to almost every place in Brooklyn and Manhattan, sometimes even Queens, but never Coney Island. He can’t go there anymore without getting flashbacks from the times he and Bucky used to go there together.

 

Like the time Bucky made him ride The Cyclone and how he threw up everything he had in his stomach in a trash can, or the time Bucky bought a way too big cotton candy for Steve and it got stuck in his hair. He remembers how Bucky had to help him wash it out and how much they laughed when Bucky’s hands got stuck too.

 

So Steve does not run past Coney Island, because those kind of memories are too much for him to handle.

 

When Steve’s on his way home he usually picks up a New York Times and stops at at hole-in-the-wall coffee shop that serves the strongest coffee he’s drunk since his mother’s. He skims through the newspaper in hope of finding something new about The Soldier and every time he gets equally disappointed. Instead he reads articles about how to care for your flowers and how to make your own health smoothie.

 

The rest of the Avengers visit him quite a lot to see how he’s holding up, since it hasn’t really been a secret that he’s been feeling down lately.

 

Steve knows they mean well and he’s grateful for them taking care of him, even though he argues that he can take care of himself, but none of them compare to Bucky.

 

Sam flies up from Washington D.C to see him from time to time and Tony shows up when he can, but he always has a lot taking up his time. Thor is for the most part spending his days in Asgard, but even he took a trip down to Earth to see how Steve was doing and to offer his help, but at that time Steve was too low to even leave the apartment. Natasha and Clint visits him when they have time, but they are not always in the states for a long time between their missions.

 

The days melt together and life passes him by. All of his friends are dashing forward while he stays still. Either they got a promotion or got married and Steve… Steve stills picks up the newspaper every morning while thinking that today might be the day he gets some good news, and every morning he’s equally disappointed.

 

* * *

 

**_April, 2018_ **

 

It’s been raining for days now. The forecast shows no end of it stopping either. Steve sits in his apartment and listens to the pitter patter of the rain hitting the roof and the window panes. The flower bed he keeps on the fire escape is overflowing and the glow, from the streetlights outside, refracts by the raindrops that singles down the window.

 

The sound of cars driving through puddles is muted by the rain’s overpowering noise and Steve sits and listens. He hasn’t left the apartment in a week and he knows he’s starting to weaken.

 

The will to resist has started to thin and the temptation to just vanish has gotten bigger. Razing thoughts run through his head and Steve puts his forehead against the cool tabletop. He wishes for everything to disappear and the familiar thoughts about how nice it would be if he could end everything creeps into his mind.

 

He doesn’t want those thoughts to haunt him anymore but the will to push them away does no longer exist. The rain is rumbling outside and he tries to listen to that comforting sound, but all he can hear is the thoughts in his head.

 

They’re practically screaming now, louder and louder, and he does not know what to do. Steve wants to run outside and enfold himself in the sound of rain and maybe that will drown out the thoughts that have infected him. He wants to-

 

There’s a knock on the door. Suddenly it’s very quiet in Steve’s apartment and he focuses intently on the door. He doesn’t remember inviting anyone, and anyone who forces themselves out in this weather must be crazy.

 

Hesitantly he steps towards the door and opens it slowly. When it’s halfway opened Steve looks up and sees him. With rainwater dropping from his cap and dark hair down to his shoulders, standing in front of Steve’s door. He looks up from under his hat and with a hoarse voice Bucky says the one thing Steve has wanted to hear for a long time.

 

“Steve…”, and before Bucky can say anything else, Steve has his arms wrapped around him.

 

Bucky’s wet hair stick to Steve’s face and his soaked jacket makes Steve shiver, but none of those thing matter right now, because he finally has Bucky in his arms.

 

He can feel Bucky’s arms slowly wrapping around his shoulders and Steve doesn’t know if it’s the rain from Bucky’s hair or his own tears that’s making its way down his cheeks, but right now he doesn’t care. The only thing that matters is Bucky and in this moment Steve vows to himself to never let Bucky go again.

 

Steve wakes up to the sun shining through the window and hitting him right in the face. He turns his head to see the face he’s missed so much lying right beside him.

 

Bucky’s dark hair is spread all over the white pillow and Steve carefully pushes back a strand of hair that’s hanging down over Bucky’s cheek. He slowly leans forward to place a kiss on Bucky’s forehead before he gets out of bed.

 

He quietly puts on a pair of sweatpants and a hoodie and runs down to the newspaper stand that is located not far from his building. With today’s issue in hand Steve runs up the stairs and opens the apartment door as quietly as possible, in case Bucky is still sleeping.

 

He sits down in the sofa in the living room while he waits for the coffee. Where he sits he can see straight into the bedroom which calms him a bit.

 

On the front page of the newspaper reads in big letters,

 

“ _THE SOLDIER SIGHTED IN BROOKLYN”_.

 

Steve opens the paper and starts reading.

 

“ _Yesterday around 11 pm The Soldier was sighted for the first time in several months. The witness claims to have seen The Soldier in civilian clothing and was presumably hard to recognize. The Soldier did supposedly hang around the corner of West 6th Street and Wolf Place in Brooklyn but disappeared in through the buildings. No image is available due to bad weather._

 

_The Soldier has been absent for more than half a year and no one know where he’s been hiding. He is known for a dussin assassinations over the past fifty years but there has not been any new victims, the most recent one in 2014._

 

_The story behind The Soldier is a most horrible one. He was captured back in 1945 by the nazi science division, HYDRA, and has since then been brainwashed and put in cryo freeze multiple times; supposedly enough times to make him forget who he was. The Soldier has since worked as a brainwashed machine for HYDRA._

 

_The jurisdiction argue that he needs to be punished for his crimes, while many protest that he has suffered enough. How will th-”_

 

Steve’s reading is interrupted by the sound of the bed creaking. He looks into the bedroom and sees Bucky sitting in the middle of the bed with the blanket covering his thighs and hips. He rubs his hands over his face once and then proceeds to yawn.

 

Slowly he pushes the blanket off of his legs and stands up. Steve folds the newspaper and puts it down beside him. Bucky walks tiredly into the living room and approaches him.

 

Steve stands up from the sofa to meet him with an embrace, trying to get them as close as possible.

 

“Good morning sweetheart”, says Steve and gently kisses Bucky’s temple.

 

“Morning”, Bucky answers and puts his face in the crook of Steve’s neck.

 

“There’s coffee if you want some.”

 

“Mhm”, Bucky mumbles and buries his face a little deeper in Steve’s neck.

 

Steve can feel his heart beating like crazy inside his chest and he wonders if Bucky’s feeling it too.

 

The morning sun shines through the windows and form bright patterns on the floor. The clock that hangs beside the bookcase is ticking away and the smell from the freshly made coffee fills the whole apartment.

 

Steve buries his nose in Bucky’s hair and breathes in. He smells faintly like Steve’s shampoo but underneath still like himself. Like wood, musk and warmth and everything Steve always loved.

 

For the first time in two years a genuine smile fills Steve's face and he feels that maybe everything will be okay after all. It doesn’t matter where they are, because as long as he has Bucky he will feel at home.

 

As long as Steve has Bucky he will be okay and Steve does not plan on letting him go ever again.

 

He holds him a little tighter.

 


End file.
